Soccer

Match report from last week. Our woes continue:

Rd06: Vermont (a)

MP3 1 v Vermont 8 (eight!)Â (old videprinter gag)

Strangeways here we come!

Another Sunday and the comedy bandwagon that is MP3 rolls into town, sets up the big top and dons the long shoes and red noses for another sell-out show

Some girls are bigger than others and this was the selection policy this week as under-fire double act Wolst & Parmar selected a team of big game players with big reputations in order to try and turn around what is becoming an alarming battle against relegation

Indeed, Parmar turned up sporting a new number 3 haircut, abandoning the "Indian waiter" bouffant that had provided such happy chortles for many at the club/ Melbourne/Australia/the world and this was an obvious subject matter of discussion as the team arrived for the 10am hooter

These things take time

Believe it or not, MP3 actually started the brighter of the two teams and were passing it round well in midfield. We even fashioned a couple of half chances in the first 5 minutes but alas, disaster struck on the very first Vermont attack. The winger scooted round the back of the defence and put a teasing low cross over; there were a couple of swings and misses but Sean took his putter out, lined himself up and holed it past Ads’ despairing dive and into his own net – he looked like a boy with a thorn in his side as he took those long steps of woe back to the center circle

That joke isn’t funny anymore

This veteran reporter could not have been more surprised had a vicar in a tutu come onto the pitch, wedgie the ref and nod one in at the far post - the own goal really seemed to really rattle MP3’s already brittle confidence. Dave Mac sauntered round the pitch on one of those little cardboard cars where the wheels fall off and Dave G-Man had one of those flowers in his shirt that squirts water. These weren’t the only laughs we had though – there were 5 long alehouse balls over the top and every time the ball bounced through for their forward to run on and score (again and again and again and again and again). Colin and Ammers were not immune to the jovial mood and performed a very amusing routing with a plank on one shoulder and a banana skin…Wolst also contrived to get in on the act, donning a Groucho Marx glasses and moustache as he missed several clearances, but despite their best efforts Vermont would not be distracted and just kept kicking the bloody thing into the net – admirable concentration and focus in the face of such distraction!!

Half time pancake

Despite the 6-0 scoreline after 45 mins, there was not a hint of panic from the unflappable Dutchman Wolst (and I know this to be true for I witnessed it with my own eyes). With a knowing twinkle in his eye he unveiled a picnic hamper stuffed full of muffins and pancakes to pass round the team and expressly forbade everyone to talk about football for the next 5 minutes. This led to the surreal moment of everyone munching and chewing the fat as if we were far away from the game enjoying a picnic in the bush somewhere. HE GAVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Frankly, Mr Shankly had nothing on this sort of out-the-box tactic for putting the first half out of our heads and reinvigorated through a few changes (Bav for Bobby Ledger, Mark Schnitzius for Dave Mac) we jogged back out to try and give it a real go in the second half

Richie Abbey really tried to rally the troops with his cry of ‘Shoplifters of the world unite’ and MP3 responded in kind. To be honest, we hadn’t actually played that bad at all – it was just every chance they had went in. We had managed to create some opportunities in the first half – Dave Mac had a great chance from a free kick and Sean had a few shots that went wide. There was definitely more belief in the second half however as we knocked it round and played together as a team

Sheila take a bow

Bobby Ledger was having a bit of joy down the wing and that charming man Owen Walker put in an impressive performance on the right wing/up top. Leon was as bustling as ever for sadly limited reward. Sean even hit the post with a shot from distance which gave a nice satisfying ‘clunk’. Storm even managed to turn up for once and played very well when he came on – some great tackles. Still, just as I was saying things had turned, Bigmouth strikes again and Vermont scored another breakaway goal that was truly against the run of play. I appreciate its difficult to believe that a team that is 7-0 down could actually have had the edge in a match but that’s football for you…not wholly unlike United at Anfield last year

With Dave Plumb coming on and ex-coach Morris on the side (what must he have thought to see his legacy crumble in such a tragic-comedy fashion?), we only needed Brooksy to have our triumvirate of Rusholme ruffians. The match continued to tick along nicely. We managed to concede another one (cant remember it anymore – there were too many by now). I must say that having Schnitzius’ pace come on at the back did help a great deal and they had far fewer chances now even though we only had 3 at the back.

Fightback

"Please, please, please let me get what I want" were the words on Sean’s lips as he desperately sought to make amends for his own goal. He tried to flick it round one lad and run round the other side (sort of like lightweight dandys like Mike Sproston or Bobby Ledger are wont to do) but Sean is clearly built for comfort rather than speed and just charged into the onrushing centre-half who then had to retire after the clash with a suspected broken rib, pointedly refusing to shake hands or accept an apology

Not to be denied though, the sweet and tender hooligan Davies picked up a ball from Leon Charles and cut inside his man. He then clipped one in from the edge of the box that sneaked past the keeper inside the post to a resounding cheer from the ever loyal support!

Cheers lads!

We had a few other chances as well – Owen and Webby both had a couple of efforts but we didn’t manage to get it in the net more than once unfortunately.

Denouncement

The show finally came to a halt and the MP3 performers took a well-earned bow to thunderous applause. In all fairness, it was a much more solid second half performance and the result was extremely harsh on a battling Middle Park side.

"Heaven knows I am miserable now" was Ammer’s comment afterwards but the lad is nothing if not optimistic and was soon putting his thinking cap on about how to improve the defence for our next match in two weeks time. Ads insisted that training next Tue is a pre-requisite for all 3rd teamers as well.

We must remember that there is a light that never goes out and that light is MP3 so lets keep battling on and results will surely turn for us in the coming weeks